I was surprised to find that I was to be interviewed by four people rather than one as I had been in my last job. Once I overcame the original shock, it was actually kind of enjoyable. My first question was, "Tell us about yourself". I studied and practiced so much for this interview-more than I ever had before. It was obvious that I truly wanted this job like no other, and I was not about to let a poor interview ruin my chances. In my studying, I knew that this question was actually asking, "Tell us about yourself professionally, and why hospice is important to you." It was never hard for me to talk about hospice, but it can be truly emotional.
My initial experience with hospice was incredibly intimidating. As part of my studies, I was to complete volunteer hours with a local agency, and I was lucky enough to meet a volunteer coordinator that was willing to get to know me and my schedule, and pile on as many patients as she could. It wasn't too long before I was seeing upwards of eight patients a week, in between full-time classes and school. My first two patients were not too interested in visiting with me; the first was a veteran who had that glazed-over, lonely look about him that made me feel like everyone he needed in his life had already passed on, and he was just waiting to do so.
I was right about him; just a few days after meeting him, I went to visit again. He was in the active phase of dying. I think he was trying to talk to me, but he kept singing, "Tomatoooooooooes, tomatoes" in an opera-style voice, reaching and looking up to the ceiling. I admit I did not handle this well. I was really uncomfortable with how he was acting and I did not know anything about him. I didn't know if it was normal or if he was just losing it-looking back now I realize that I reacted very poorly and should have stayed longer with him. Even if I had just sat quietly I think it would have been better to have someone on this side supporting him. When I heard that he had passed that evening, I was very disappointed in myself, and promised I would never fail another patient again.
The other patient I met that first day wanted absolutely nothing to do with us. He was convinced the staff was stealing from him, he had had a stroke and it was incredibly hard to understand him, and the chart they had given him with letters, numbers, and common words only helped so much because it took a long time for him to spell out what he wanted to stay. I remembered being particularly afraid of him because he was throwing things just before we entered the room. He didn't want the volunteer coordinator and I to sit with him; we had nothing to offer him.
I told the volunteer coordinator aloud, "He just wants us to leave him the hell alone." And he started laughing. It was like his entire demeanor changed in just a moment; my volunteer coordinator asked if it would be alright if I came back to visit him, and he pondered for a second before nodding, "yes". So I continued to visit this patient each week, 1-2 times per week for ten months before I began nursing school. He would often times meet me down in the lobby when he knew I was coming to visit. He would pull up a chair for me in his room. My visits made a huge difference, because the man who would throw things at a nurse who attempted to visit him, suddenly lit up when the nurse would walk in the room and ask about me. I loved to visit him; he had so many stories to share with me and we would get to laughing about the woman across the hall that drove him absolutely mad.
It was easy to tell the ladies interviewing me about him. I got emotional when I told them how he left the world; how I went home for Christmas and received a call from the volunteer coordinator stating that he had been actively dying for two days, and the staff was convinced that he was "holding on" for me. I got off the phone and told my mom what I was told, and she said, "Alright, honey. I'll see you later." She knew I had to drive back to be with him.
When I got to his room, there was another volunteer in his room playing guitar. I knew this patient well enough to know that the guitar was probably driving him crazy, so I told the volunteer I could take things from there. He said, "Oh, I will just stay and play for a while."
Inside my head, I was irritated, but I knew this volunteer didn't know my relationship with the patient, so I waited another half an hour before telling him again, "You can go." He packed up his guitar and left. I finally had time to tell my patient everything I wanted him to hear. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his hand and I told him, "I will never forget you. We love you here. We won't forget you. Everything is going to be okay."
As I told the interviewers how he passed almost immediately after I uttered those words, it was impossible not to tear up. I don't think that many people cry in their interview and still get hired, but I did. One of the ladies told me that the compassion someone feels for hospice isn't something that can be taught. Most of it has to come from inside, and she is right. I went into nursing because I wanted a job that I would be happy to be paid to do, but I never thought I would love something as much as I love hospice. People always tell me, "I can't believe you want to do that. I would never work with dead/dying people. I have heard that job sucks. That job is really hard." And while for most it might be so, it's not that way for me. I think that I live so that I can improve the death of others.
I know that sounds morbid, but it's really not. We are all going to die anyway, so why not have a good death? Hospice gives you the chance to reconcile your differences, ask for forgiveness, define yourself, have dignity, make the most of your remaining time with family and friends, and settle your affairs. Hospice is a wonderful blessing. I had to laugh when one of Chris' friends told me, "Congrats on your death house job." There are so many terrible stigmas about hospice, like this one-where hospice is a place you go to die. That hospice speeds up death. That hospice means giving up.
It's sad because so many people miss out on hospice care, which is offered to everyone and cannot be denied to someone just because they can't pay for it.
Hospice can be offered anywhere-your home, nursing home, etc. Hospice never speeds up death, you just move to non-curative medicines and focus on pain and symptom control. Hospice doesn't mean you give up; at any time if a patient decides to utilize curative medicine they can be returned to those treatments and removed from hospice.
I thought I would be terrified to be around a dead body, especially by myself. It isn't like that. I didn't feel my patient die, but I was certain he was gone. One of the most surreal experiences of my life was the time I did feel another patient die. A little old lady in her bed, the death rattle escaped her. I watched her pulse die in her frail little arm. I was sitting in a chair at the foot of her bed, and I knew she was gone. How? Because someone reached down and gently picked up my soul, cradled it, and put it back in my body. It's impossible to really describe it better than that until you have felt it yourself. I wouldn't trade the way that felt for anything in the world. I imagine that is how a baby's soul comes into the world, or leaves it.
The chaplain was in the room with me, too. I was afraid to ask her about this unbelievable moment of my life, but I do remember asking her, "Do you cry every time?" And she said, "I still do." I asked her this when we were sitting in the hallway, giving a private moment to the lady's husband and her body. They both had severe dementia, and on any other given day, he had no idea who she was. But that day he held and kissed her hand and cried, his face told us everything we needed to know. Years of marriage, children, tons of love, before dementia stripped that away came rushing back. I hope that in some way he felt her soul as it slipped away, the way it touched me.
Chris and I have discussed recently how well our lives are going. With this job comes new responsibility, but a huge part of me will be fulfilled. Chris is doing well in his training, and soon he will be paid to fly planes. The dream that little kid had after seeing "Independence Day" is finally being fulfilled. We have made some really good friends here already and one of my best ones lives right across the street. We have two decent vehicles that run pretty well, a warm home, a stocked fridge and pantry, and two dogs we love with all of our hearts, no matter how much they bark or smell. And we have each other, which is the greatest blessing of all.
Since our lives have been going so well, I have felt compelled to go back to church. I think I read somewhere that it takes 200 times to make something a habit, and so if I go back to church for 198 weeks I will have made a habit. I never really got much from church. I prefer a quieter setting or more one-on-one time, but I think that if I can pull even one thing from the gospel it made the trip worth it. This week I was reminded to be a light in the world. I take this to mean be a positive person, be uplifting, be optimistic, be caring, be passionate. It's a really good lesson to learn a week before I begin my new job that delves so deeply into people's lives. What spurred me most to go back to church was an overwhelming response to my plea from friends and family to pray for me to get the job. I know a lot of people must have prayed to help me get that job; it worked.
In the meantime, I have done a lot around the house to get ready for the big day. I have scoured a major portion of the house, made excel spreadsheets in order to get a good idea of what we have in the pantry, fridge and freezer, and will now be doing a grocery list on an excel spreadsheet. I clipped coupons from last week's paper, and finally, made freezer meals for Christopher.
Freezer meals are actually a ton of fun to make. Typically when I make dinner, I thoroughly destroy the kitchen. Looking at the counters now, they are covered in flour and crumbs and bits of quinoa from the last couple of meals I have made. I think people are often deterred from cooking at home because it makes such a mess of your countertops, floors, and to top it off there are dishes to do. It is rather annoying. This is what makes freezer meals so fabulous. Most of them go in the crockpot. If you use a crockpot liner, there is essentially no mess. Even if you don't, you're just cleaning up the crockpot and maybe rinsing out the gallon freezer bag to throw in the recycling. (Go environment!) You may completely destroy your kitchen, but for multiple meals you barely have anything to clean up. It's magical.
I think the hardest part of all of it is trying to figure out how to write the instructions on the bag in a way that a kindergartener/husband can understand. I actually made Chris practice the other night because I did not feel like making dinner and he wanted Runzas, so we made a Runza casserole. I observed as he took dumped the hamburger, cabbage, and onion, from the freezer bag into the pan, spread crescent rolls over it, and then put them in the oven. He pouted the entire time, but he will just have to get used to it.
I'll be working forty hours a week at this job, salary, and it sounds like there will be nights that I can just go work from home on my computer, which is lovely. In the interview "couch" and "jammies" were discussed. Like most people, I love those things.
So I would like to share a couple of the freezer meal recipes just because they were so ridiculously easy.
Crockpot BBQ Cranberry Chicken
2 lb. chicken breast
1/4 cup dry minced onion
1 (16 oz.) can whole cranberry sauce
1 cup BBQ sauce (Baby Ray's was suggested; I used Kraft Spicy Honey.)
Combine all ingredients in a gallon-sized freezer bag. Zip closed and place in freezer. When ready to use, thaw in fridge overnight. Empty contents into crockpot and cook on high 3-4 hours, or low 6-7 hours.
Apple BBQ Pork Tenderloin
1-2 lb. pork tenderloin
1 cup chunky applesauce
1 cup BBQ sauce (again, Kraft Spicy Honey)
2 tbsp. minced dried onion
Place pork tenderloin in a gallon-sized freezer bag. In a medium bowl, mix together applesauce, BBQ, and onion, and add to bag. Zip closed and freeze. When ready to use, thaw in fridge overnight. Empty contents into crockpot and cook on low 6-8 hours or 3-4 hours high. Serve over rice or pasta.
Crockpot Honey Garlic Chicken 2-4 chicken breasts
3 garlic cloves, chopped
1 tsp. dried basil
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup ketchup
1/3 cup honey
2 cups chopped carrots
Place all ingredients in a gallon-sized ziploc bag. Seal bag and place in freezer.
Thaw overnight in fridge and cook on high 3-4 hours, low 6-7.
See how easy? It works out really well if you make a day out of it. So I did this on a Friday; I went to the grocery store in the morning, and that way the meat is not frozen and it easy to work with. Again, you mess up your kitchen in one giant way. I cranked out 14 freezer meals in five hours, which I thought was absolutely fabulous. Chris was pretty impressed, too, when he opened the freezer to see what was inside.
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| 14 Freezer Meals. And ice cream. |
He is also impressed by my coupon holder, too. Let's just see if I can use all of them the next time I go shopping.
My parents plan to visit us in the end of March. They are bringing both of my brothers which makes me so incredibly happy. I can't wait to see Blaise's face when he meets Sarah's daughter.
I made mom promise to bring my Mancala game when she comes so that I can have a game I will always beat Chris at. Last night we were playing Scrabble and he dug through the last few tiles and left me the "Q". He is a cheater. He cheated last time we played as well. This time, I won. Even with him cheating. :) That was our Sunday night. We played Scrabble after we cleaned toilet paper out of the tree in our front yard. Yes, we were TP'd by a bunch of hoodlums in a neighborhood where we don't know anyone. Little stinkers. All I had to say about that was, "Don't they know how expensive toilet paper is?!" Chris laughed and shook a stick in their general direction. Someone was nice enough to knock on our door and tell us about it.
Random Tidbits:
Anyway, life is going pretty well down here in Florida, aside from the freak snowstorm we got last week that shut down the entire area. If you want to drive anywhere, you almost always have a bridge to cross, and they were all shut down. Chris got to spend a couple of days home with me, though, which was nice.
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| Winter Storm Leon in Florida |
Ruby's new favorite thing to do is go outside after it rains and sleep in puddles, so she will probably smell really terrible for the rest of her life. I honestly thought something had died in the laundry room until I finally realized it was just her harness hanging up on a rack. Every time I walked by I got a whiff of something incredibly terrible and she smelled about the same. She also decided to stop eating unless we soak her food in some kind of broth, or hide lunch meat under the kibble.
This means that Nalli's new favorite thing to do is wait until Ruby is done eating and then lick every single square inch of her bowl in case she missed a drop. (Nalli gets snacks throughout the day because she is constantly beside me, so don't worry, she gets enough.)
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| Nalli was not sure what to think of the snow and ice. |
I hurt my knee a few weeks back running 11 miles, so it has been a slow go since then. My longest run was six miles and it didn't feel great, so I'm trying to do more indoor cardio while it heals. My Vibrams have seen better days so it is probably time to invest in a new pair; it might help me run better.
Chris' "Flight School Friday" was a few weeks ago. It meant that he had graduated API and was moving on to Primary. He was able to wear his flight suit to the Officer's Club on base and we went to hang out and play drinking games with his fellow classmates.
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| Chris and I on Flight Suit Friday |
I am also looking forward to the coming week as my friend Sarah who lives across the street is due on SATURDAY. Little Baby Barnacle (as she has referred to her since introducing her belly to us) is scheduled to vastly excite our lives in less than a week. I couldn't be more excited to meet her.
We will see if Baby Barnacle lessens or improves our baby fever that we tend to get sometimes.
Chris has big plans for our tax return this year. He wants to pay off the credit card and then invest in an XBOX ONE. He has been wanting one since the day they came out and while I am much less excited about it, he hardly ever spends money on himself and it is well-deserved. My salary will largely in part be paying off our tremendous school loans. You've just got to love spending money to go into debt to make money to pay off debt.
I am very happy to say that my cousin, Todd, decided to join the National Guard. He is considering switching over to the Army when he turns 18, but we will see if he changes his mind before then. He has been working really hard in order to do better on his physical fitness tests, and there has already been a lot of improvement. I keep telling him to switch over to the Marines, but you know, I'm biased. :)
I was very fortunate a few weeks ago to stumble across this website: http://noodlesandcompanyathome.blogspot.com/ I just thought I would share. I made the Penne Rosa and it was fabulous.
I finally began using Instagram and it is too much fun. Most of the photos I upload are of the dogs, but I like to share my outfits when I am proud of them. I have worked out nearly every day since before Thanksgiving and it is really starting to show. I have been eating a bit better, too. I will never be the type to eat Paleo or gluten-free but moderation and fresh ingredients worked for Julia Child and I know it will work for me.
Now if only I could kick the Mountain Dew addiction...
